A new hobby of mine is going to the local petting zoo and shouting obscenities at the animals which reside there.
Most people that I tell this secret to assume that I’m a massive dickhead; some call me a mentally deranged twat, and one even referred to me as a “completely mental fucking cunt”. But, I can certainly assure you, they are all wrong. Rather than being a twat or a dickhead, I am actually a visionary.
Hurling abuse at indifferent animals is, in fact, the perfect remedy to the stresses and strains of 21st century life. In our modern age of time-saving gadgets, it seems we have more pressure upon our precious time than ever before. Despite our technological advantages, our age is increasingly more insecure than those that went before us. A skilled iron-monger would have had a job for life in Tudor times – of course depending upon whether he was a Catholic or a Protestant, and upon who the monarch was at that time. But rather than worrying about homicidal tendencies from our head of state, modern workers have a whole variety of new issues to contend with. Redundancy, wage-cuts, and the problem of what exactly is suitable for Dress-Down Friday certainly take their toll upon the 21st century worker.
And yet, these animals, which we pay money to look after, have never had it better. Human beings have to slave away for 12 or 14 hour shifts in call centres, rejecting people with legitimate health insurance queries, refusing to exchange shoes that don’t fit properly, and reassuring holiday-makers that they are scum, and so deserve to be placed in a resort with similarly scummy people. Let’s not forget that actual, real people must grapple with these enquiries on daily basis, and after a busy shift must go home and attempte to live with themselves, knowing they have made such fateful decisions. Cows and sheep and other stupid animals just chew the grass their benevolent human owners have provided them with.
Animals; fucking idiots
Likewise, as a member of the Labour Party, I have been following the crazy plots for David Miliband to kick out his fratricidal brother Ed and assume the leadership of the Labour Party. Which would soon be re-branded as “the Conservative Party – but a bit nicer!” Ed Miliband has not been a resounding success as Labour leader, but surely it is worth giving him a chance to make his imprint upon the party as a whole. After all, no leader of the opposition is particularly high-profile in the press; remember back when William Hague had to wear a stupid hat to get some column inches? Keeping Ed as leader or not remains a heavily debated subject; except for amongst goats and other cloven-hoofed animals. Apparently, they just don’t give a shit.
Another thorny issue in contemporary politics remains nuclear weapons. Nations such as Iran and North Korea continue to strive to achieve the dream of possessing, and perhaps using, nuclear weapons. Of course such a development would drastically undermine any attempt to understand Global Politics, and also threaten the fragile peace arrangements that have been born out of the multi-polar nuclear world we inhabit. However, it would be hard to tell that such stressful situations are occurring by looking at sheep. They wander around carefree, eating grass, having sex, and not doing much more.
My point is that, whilst the advance of human technology has given these animals a greater life than ever before – their food is better, they benefit from medication, they even get to act in films sometimes – they don’t share the burdens of stressful 21st century living. We humans have to stress over our bills, our appearance, and our relative success compared to people at high school; animals just wander around shitting everywhere and expecting us to feed them.
So, next time you see a camel, make sure you call it a tosser. Next time you drive past a field of sheep, hang out the window of your car and shout “you’re all massive arseholes”. Next time you see a horse wandering around care-free, why not grab it by the face and inform it that you will kick it in the balls unless it solves global warming. It’s about time these fricking animals learned that they can’t keep free-loading off the human race.
Besides which, the animals can’t understand your harassment, and definitely cannot sue you. So, instead of taking your anger and rage out upon prostitutes or the decadent moral fibre of western civilisation like the emotionally retarded serial killers of years gone by, why not tell a rabbit to ‘fuck off’. I can guarantee that you will feel better in no time. And so will the rabbit.
This article is obscene, and should be removed immediately, for credibility reasons.
We’ll give this serious consideration, then decide not to remove it – for credibility reasons.